The Diary Of the Fabulous Gilderoy Lockhart
by AhMa
Summary: Dear Diary, This being my first ever entry, I shall make no hesitation to introduce myself to you, I am Gilderoy Lockhart.
1. The First Entry

This book is the property of the fabulous, magnificent and beautiful saviour of the magical world Gilderoy Lockhart.

It is to be viewed by his eyes only (and what beautiful eyes they are).

Dear Diary,

This being my first ever entry, I shall make no hesitation and introduce myself to you.

I am Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin; Third Class, honorary member of the Dark Force Defence League and five times winner of Witch Weekly's 'Most Charming Smile' award. I have a full head of magnificently wavy blond hair and gorgeous forget-me-not blue eyes. But I don't like to brag about my handsome looks or my many fascinating accomplishments. No, that's not me, though I did write several books about my daring and heroic feats. My most recent is my autobiography titled 'Magical Me'.

Anyway, I believe a report on today's events is in order.

I was at Flourish and Blotts this afternoon, signing copies of my autobiography 'Magical Me' for my dedicated fans. Hundreds, no, thousands of magical folk came flocking to me begging me to sign their books. So me being, well me, happily obliged. And as I'm signing the books, who should I see in the crowd but the one and only saviour of the magical world, the Boy Who Lived himself, Harry Potter!! I was honoured to have him at my book signing, if I'd known he was a fan I would've gone round to his house and personally signed his books. Famous people shouldn't have to wait in lines! So, staying true to my previous statement, I pulled him to the front. His face was filled with pure joy as he came running through the parted crowd. I was so over-joyed at his excitement that when he joined me I accidentally let slip that I would be teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts. I'm positive I saw Harry's face turn even happier. And why wouldn't it? I mean I am teaching at Hogwarts. Harry and I posed for the Daily Prophet, he was so shocked that he forgot to smile. Perhaps whilst I am at Hogwarts I'll teach Harry a thing or two about being famous, like how to act and whatnot. I could mould him in my image, and what a fine image it is.

I'd best be off, I'm sure I can hear a child calling for help in Scotland.

Love,

Gilderoy Lockhart  
Order of Merlin Third Class


	2. August 28, 1992

August 28, 1992

Dear Diary,

It is I, Gilderoy Lockhart. I forgot to date my entry last time but I couldn't bear to rip the page out of my perfect diary as it would ruin it.

Anyway, today I met my fellow staff members at Hogwarts. The female teachers were swooning at the very sight of me when I made my entrance. The male professors were looking jealous, especially the one with greasy hair and a hook nose. He was in desperate need of a bath. I think I might give him some of my special blend of shampoo for his birthday. But I'm quite positive that he was admiring my gorgeousness.

I moved into my quarters today. It was somewhat small; I'll bring that up with the headmaster. The lounge was only slightly larger than my classroom and my room was half the size of the lounge and don't get me started on the bathroom.

There were quite a lot of creepy looking pictures on the walls. Yeeeash, the curtains are all tattered. I think I'll call a decorator tomorrow, but for now I'll just hang my picture above the mantle, I need something to look at that's not hideous.

I should get some sleep, I don't want to look like that hook-nosed chap, Snipe I think his name is. That would ruin me.

Ciao,

Gilderoy Lockhart  
- Order of Merlin, Third Class


	3. August 29, 1992

August 29, 1992

Dear Diary,

Once again it is I, Gilderoy Lockhart. I'm sure I don't need to introduce myself again as you can't forget my gorgeous cursive writing.

I met with the interior designer today. Pleasant chap though he was a scrawny wizard and not very pleasant to look at, not nearly as bad as that Snipe fellow (who rudely refused my hair product suggestion). Anyway he didn't really do much, just sat there, asked me what I wanted and took notes. So I told him.

The bedroom I wanted painted purple for purple represents royalty, a four-poster king sized bed, wine coloured sheets and covers, crimson drapes for the windows, a large walk-in wardrobe, the floors polished, and my portraits hung neatly around the room.

The bathroom; mirrors on all walls, a large spa with enchanted scented candles and the whole bathroom tiled in white.

In the lounge; the walls cleaned, a large display case built on the right hand side of the fireplace that spanned the entire length of the wall (I need space to display all my books and awards) with crimson curtains to cover it, a marble gold plated fire place with my name engraved onto it, a large Persian rug to cover the floor before the fireplace, 3 large leather padded banana lounges around the rug and my largest portrait hung above the mantle.

My study; the window replaced with one of me, a desk made from the finest redwood, a large leather chair, a small book shelf and my portraits hung around the room.

As for the class room I just wanted the desks put in straight lines, the windows polished, a red carpet lining the centre of the staircase and my portraits hung around the room (can't have too much of a good thing).

A few simple requests, nothing too big.

So he said he'd come back tomorrow with a crew and start. I hope he does, I can't stand living in this place for much longer. It's simply horrendous.

Also I've been thinking of names for you, it's degrading for you to be called 'Diary' all the time. How does Mildred sound? Or perhaps Adelle? I quite like Adelle.

Until next time,

Gilderoy Lockhart  
- Order of Merlin, Third Class


	4. August 30, 1992

August 30, 1992

Dear Adelle,

I can't believe what a shoddy job the decorator did! Granted it was exactly what I asked for but couldn't he tell that I was sending hints that I wanted it to be more…extravagant!? Honestly, these people need to learn to read between the lines. Still, I suppose its okay, I'm sure my portraits will comfort me.

Amongst the tragedy, today is the day of celebration for me. My new portrait came in and it is, by far, the most gorgeous, glamorous and beautiful creation in the entire magical world (and most probably in the Muggle world as well). I announced its arrival to the Hogwarts staff and invited them to have a glimpse at its magnificence. Unfortunately not all the staff made it, something about being too busy with class plans. The looks of adoration on their faces will stay with me forever. It's a shame that only 5 of the staff were there, why even the Headmaster himself showed up (he said the background brought out my eyes). Sadly they all left after a few minutes but their short appearance was enough for me to forget my blues about the way my quarters looked.

Frankly, I think the other professors should be more diligent in their preparation. Why I already have my classes planned out. It's a secret which I am willing to share with you, Adelle, but only if you promise not to tell. You promise? Good. All the classes will be a 'Get to Know Me!' as in get to know _me,_ the one and only Gilderoy Lockhart. I shall explain in detail tomorrow.

Alas Adelle, I am in dire need of my beauty rest.

Yours truly,

Gilderoy Lockhart  
- Order of Merlin Third Class


	5. August 31, 1992

August 31, 1992

Dear Adelle,

As promised, I shall write my exact plans for my first defense classes.

First Years - I will be telling them the story of the Wagga Wagga Werewolf, featuring a dramatization starring myself and 2 lucky students.

Second Years - A short simple 54 question pop quiz on me; my ambitions, likes, dislikes, number of books I've written and the like.

Third Years - We will be playing a memory game and hangman, about me.

Fourth Years - Will be reviewing my autobiography 'Magical Me', which is still atop the Daily Prophets bestseller list, 5th week I believe.

Fifth Years - Charting maps of their choosing on one of my many adventures, all of which will be displayed around the classroom.

Sixth Years - I will be dividing them into groups and they will be constructing a play of one of my adventures, of their choice naturally.

Seventh Years - These lucky students in their final year will be receiving careers advice from the one and only Gilderoy Lockhart, oh wait, that's me!

Tomorrow night is the welcome feast and I'm having a bit of a dilemma. I can't decide which robes to wear. I'm tossing up between my aquamarine ones and my teal ones. I think I will discuss it with my portraits; it's too difficult for one me to decide alone.

I shall write you tomorrow,

Farewell,

Gilderoy Lockhart  
- Order of Merlin, Third Class


	6. September 1, 1992

September 1, 1992

Dear Adelle,

After a long discussion with my portraits last night, we finally decided on the turquoise robes over the teal ones. Although I was leaning towards the teal ones, one of me pointed out that they had a rip in the shoulder. Naturally all of me are devastated, I have to arrange a fitting for a new set; though I do look rather dashing in my turquoise ones.

The students arrived a few hours ago, their faces happy and fresh, ready for a new year of school. Of course the entire student body were simply ecstatic when they caught a glimpse of me, the girls were so star struck that they couldn't speak. So I smiled at them. Ah, adoring fans, lord I love them.

As I sat at the staff table, I couldn't help but take a look around the room and notice the absence of one student in particular, Harry Potter. I heard Professor Flitterbird or Flikster say to the Hargid fellow that Harry had missed the train. I felt rather disappointed but in the back of my mind I knew that he was planning to make a grand entrance that wouldn't be forgotten, as we famous people like to do.

And would you believe it, I was right (was there any doubt?). Halfway through the feast, what should happen, young Harry Potter enters the Hogwarts grounds in a flying car of all things. It was absolutely spectacular, not my style of course a bit too reckless for my taste. I'm sure that it will be headline news tomorrow.

The nights' events have left me fatigued so I must rest. After all, I have a duty to myself and my fans to uphold my image.

Sincerely Yours,

Gilderoy Lockhart  
- Order of Merlin, Third Class


	7. September 2, 1992

September 2, 1992

Dear Adelle,

The first round of classes were simply appalling. The class itself went smoothly and the second years were simply charming, ah yes, their looks of pure admiration are still fresh in my mind. I was disappointed to find, however, that none of them knew me that well. Only one student, Miss Granger I think it was, got all 54 questions right and she answered them with explicit detail. I think I will send her a gift for brightening my day. Though I'm sure the rest of the students tried their best, I plan to have them sit a re-test but in the meantime they have to write an essay on what they think is my greatest accomplishment.

The class just got worse. During a lecture on the dangers of werewolves, some student thought it would be funny to let loose some Cornish pixies in the classroom. I can't imagine where he found them. Mr. Potter and friends valiantly tried to subdue the pixies but to no avail. So then I stepped in and cast a simple freezing charm which effectively stopped the pixies in midair. Thankfully, very few of my portraits were ruined.

On a brighter note, I heard during break that Mr. Potter was handing out signed photographs. I even saw him posing for a young boy. I for one am proud of his efforts to reach his many fans. I even offered to pose with him; his face was priceless, though he looked a little flustered. Perhaps I'll get a professional photographer in and we can have a session. Imagine how much those pictures would sell for. I shall put it on my planner for another day.

As there is nothing else to report, I bid you farewell.

Forever Yours,

Gilderoy Lockhart  
- Order of Merlin, Third Class


	8. September 3, 1992

September 3, 1992

Dear Adelle,

For classes today I had the Fantastic Fourth Years, Terrific Third Years and the Fabulous First Years. The Fourth Years' class went by quietly as they were continuing to read my autobiography 'Magical Me' so they could review it. Best review to be posted in the Daily Prophet. I took advantage of the peaceful classroom to finish the script for the Wagga Wagga Werewolf performance for the First Years. The First Years were simply adorable and I don't mind saying that they were simply overjoyed when I told them that I would be performing my valiant defeat of the Wagga Wagga Werewolf for them with a few lucky students being able to assist. Bless their little hearts. Needless to say that the performance went splendidly, pictures will be available soon thanks to up-and-coming photographer Colin Crevice.

It was a relaxing afternoon with the Third Years as we relaxed over games of Memory and Hangman, the topic of course being me. I was happy to see most of the students actively participating in the games; some of the girls even started their own memory game where one said a word that described me and the next girl would say that word then add her own word and so on. I gave them points for creativity, 20 points a piece. We ended up having an inter-house competition with 50 points being awarded to the winning house, even the Slytherin's participated (they hadn't been involved in anything that lesson). I guess that I must have inspired them to get involved with my stirring speech about how participation is an important role in learning.

On a side note, I have cast a humidity controlling charm in my quarters as well as in my classroom and office so I won't have to deal with another disaster like this morning's frizz fiasco. Thankfully I was able to counter it with Selena's 'Fritzy Frizz De-frizzer shampoo and conditioner.' That shampoo works brilliantly, Selena deserves an award.

Farewell my lady,

Gilderoy Lockhart  
- Order of Merlin, Third Class

* * *

Sorry for not updating but I did warn you  
---------  
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and whatnot


	9. September 4, 1992

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews. Not the best chapter ever. Since the story is blank in the book for another month, anyone have any filler ideas? I'm kinda stuck. Any ideas are appreciated, never know, might make me update quicker. And if anyone has any signing off's that haven't been used they would greatly be appreciated. Thanks.

* * *

September 4, 1992

Dear Adelle,

Thanks to the humidity controlling charm I cast yesterday, I didn't have a repeat of yesterdays frizzy fiasco, I and my portraits are grateful for that. Donning a set of blue violet robes I went to breakfast. Snape, as I learned his name was, had extra greasy hair this morning so I sat as far from him as possible, greasy hair is contagious. I sent him an owl last night after I wrote you, asking if he'd like to at least try some of my shampoo selection. I haven't had a reply yet. Dumbledore wore an electric purple hat today; I admire his boldness though I myself wouldn't wear that hat.

Today was a special day as it was my first lesson with the 7th years this afternoon. It being my first class with the Sassy Sevvies, I went and changed my robes at lunchtime (I now wore my gold-embroidered cream set). As an icebreaking start to my careers lessons, I introduced myself to them telling them that i was no different from an ordinary person such as themselves, though I am exceptionally handsome. They were a respectful group, taking notes in my lecture (I told them of my dreams from when I was in school and how they resulted in me becoming what I am today), enthralled and enchanted by my inspiring tale. I could see the admiration in their eyes. It was a great end to the day; I was so pleased with the class that I forgot to set homework.

The other 3 classes I taught were nothing special, though I also had the 5th years for the first time. They began organising their groups to start their project of charting my adventures. The 6th years continued writing their plays and as to not have a repeat of their first lesson, I checked to make sure that one of the 2nd years were bringing any dangerous creatures into the class. I also made them revise my autobiography in preparation for a re-test. I pray that they do better the second time around.

I bid thee adieu,

Gilderoy Lockhart  
- Order of Merlin, Third Class


	10. September 5, 1992

September 5, 1992

Dear Adelle,

I met up with the grounds keeper today; I heard he was having Kelpie problems so I went to give him a few pointers. After a few clever anecdotes from my battle with the Bandon Banshee, some of Hagrid's, as I've learned his name is, famous rock cakes, they lived up to their name, and a few cups of a rather overpowering and hard on the nose tea, our time was cut short as I remembered that I had to prepare my office for my detention with fellow chivalrous hero young Mr. Potter so I bid the man farewell, promising him a copy of my book '_Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests_', signed of course. I ran into young Mr. Crevice on my way back to my office, I asked him how the photographs were developing, then laughed as I realised that I'd made a pun. Of course I had to explain it to the poor boy, he didn't understand you see. I told him I'd be in touch our next lesson.

Finally the best part of the day arrived at 6p.m., as it was finally time for Harry's detention! I could just tell he was as excited about it as I was. I could see it on his face you know. Ah it would be fantastic, two heroes of the magical world, both handsome (one more so than the other – me -) swapping their heroic tales over some tea, cakes and perhaps some biscotti. I decided not to make his detention too stressing, so I had him help me answer my fan mail. He wasn't very talkative so I tried to get him to open up by telling him some of my stories. I think he enjoyed just sitting and listening to them, I don't blame him. He said something strange to me though, that he was hearing voices. As I didn't hear anything I dismissed it as fatigue and no wonder, he'd been helping me for about 4 hours! So I sent the lad to bed.

I myself am starting to feel the effects of answering all that fan mail. I think will turn in for the night.

Bonsoir Mademoiselle,

Gilderoy Lockhart  
- Order of Merlin, Third Class 

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A/N: Thanks for the reviews and hits, much appreciated. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. 


	11. September 6, 1992

September 6, 1992

Dear Adelle,

I awoke late this morning, a quarter to lunchtime I believe, answering all that fan mail took a lot out of me. You would never believe how much energy a person consumes when responding to fan mail until you have as many admirers as I. So I decided to have a lazy day today, just sit in my kingly armchair, in front of my gold-plated marble fireplace, a bottle of warm butterbeer next to me (not into heavy drinking) and read a thrilling novel, written by yours truly. Ah yes, nothing better than that. I even requested breakfast be brought to me, a hearty meal of bacon, toast, sausages and sautéed mushrooms, absolutely scrumpcious! And it was all served up on a golden platter, how kind these house elves are.

At around 3pm, after reading my book about my break with the Bandon Banshee, I decided to order a foot massage. Not just any foot massage mind you, the world famous Deluxe Relaxation Foot Therapy, imported straight from France. It's absolutely wondrous and heavenly. They send thin streams of magic into your muscles and relax them from inside out. While the magic works its, well magic on the inside the French masseuse Pierre de Pampeim works his hands on the outside. He uses the finest lavender oils, made from lavenders that are grown with magic injected into them to bring out their natural fragrance by a thousand. I'll say, if the Snape fellow did this every so often he wouldn't be so grouchy. I know! I'll order him one for his birthday. I'm sure Dumbledore can supply me with his birthdate details.

Dearest Adelle, if I could bring you to life I would let you experience the pleasures of Pierre's foot massage. He may have left hours ago but I can still feel his magic working on my feet. It feels as if I'm walking on clouds.

Buona Notte,

Gilderoy Lockhart  
- Order of Merlin, Third Class

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A/N: First chapter in ages, but it's there. Hope you like it.


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